Case in point: Patton Oswalt’s last two Instagram posts about Dave Chappelle.
The comedian shared a series of photos with Dave Chappelle on New Years Eve in Seattle. Oswalt was performing in downtown Seattle when he received a text from Chappelle to come to his show one block away.
Oswalt wrote:
“I finished the set at @mccawhall and got a text message from @davechappelle. Come over to the arena he’s playing next door and do a guest set. Why not? I said goodbye to this hell year with a genius that I did started comedy when I was 34. He works in an arena like talking to a person and putting their skin on them. Anyway, I ended the year with a real friend and a deep laugh. I can’t do much ask for more. “
Chappelle has long been known for breaking social boundaries with his comedy and has created some controversy for himself, particularly with his recent Netflix special in which he addressed the issue of transgender rights in a way that is common to many trans people and Allies was harmful. (Full Disclosure: I didn’t see his special myself, so I’m just sharing the reactions I saw to it and not commenting on the content myself.) Some people accused Chappelle of being anti-trans, others accused him of “knocking off.” “. “While others were more offended by how old and tired his LGBTQ-themed jokes were than by the jokes themselves.
Patton Oswalt was an outspoken ally of the LGBTQ community so it was staggering for some fans to see him share the stage with Chappelle. They made their feelings known, which led Oswalt to reply:
“I saw a friend on New Year’s Eve whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. We have known each other since our youth. He’s a fellow comedian, the funniest I’ve ever met. I wanted to post a picture & an IG story about it – that’s how I did it. The friend is Dave Chappelle. We were friends for thirty-four YEARS. He has realigned himself and refined ideas that many of us about race, history and life on planet earth have agreed upon and developed with a sentence or a punch line around them. We did bad and good gigs, open microphones and TV recordings. But we also disagree 100% about the rights and representation of transgender people as their fullest selves. For all the things that he has helped ME develop, I will always disagree with where he stands NOW on transgender issues. But I also don’t think a seeker like him is done developing and learning. You know someone who goes for a long time, sees the struggles and changes, it is impossible to cut them off. Impossible not to be hopeful and open and cheer them on. I also feel a lot of guilt about friends who I’ve cut off, had views that I couldn’t agree with, or who changed in ways that I couldn’t live with. Sometimes I wonder – did I and others who cut them off get them to dig their heels deeper, fuel their ignorance with a nitro boost of resentment and malice? I am an LGBTQ ally. I am a loyal friend. There is friction in these traits that I need to reconcile and to keep SOMEONE else from betraying. And I’m really sorry that I didn’t think about the pain this would cause. Or the DEPTH of that pain. I wrote a lot about IG today and the back and forth really helped me with my writing. I (naively) deleted a lot of posts in the comment thread – critical ones from LGBTQ writers AND shit posts from TERF / anti-trans orcs looking for clicks and giggles. I wanted a ‘nice comment thread’ on the picture with my friend. Pooh. It is so easy to think that someone needs OTHER growth and miss the need in themselves. Will keep trying. “
It is precisely here, as an author, that I feel the need to choose my words carefully. That’s fine – I firmly believe that people should choose their words carefully. However, I am also aware that no matter what I say in the comments, some people will be complaining from now on. It was for this reason that I wanted to share Patton Oswalt’s posts and write this article – for while so many people have a desperate desire to remove complexity and nuance from our discourse, I have an urgent desire to include them.
Here is my TL; DR stance on the matter: Relationships are complicated. Perspectives are complicated. Virtually nothing in this world is black and white, and if we refuse to acknowledge that seemingly contradicting things can be true at the same time, we will never be able to come to terms with the things that divide us.
I am not here to defend Dave Chappelle, nor am I here to defend Patton Oswalt. I am here to defend the idea that people who consider themselves friends can have very different beliefs, are vehemently of one mind on really important issues, can discuss and argue about such things and still have value in each other and in their relationship see. Everyone makes different decisions about what and whom to support, as well as why and how, but these decisions are rarely as simple as some make them appear.
Let’s say someone decides, “I refuse to be friends with someone with racist / sexist / anti-LGBTQ views.” Great, where do you draw the line? Because the vast majority of people have shades of these views, even those who pretend not to, simply by living in and being cared for in the world into which we were born. If you exclude all people with a reference to these views, you are basically cutting out most of humanity.
“Well, we can be friends as long as they educate themselves and make an effort,” you might say. Great, how do you rate that? What criteria do you use? What if they aren’t learning what you want them to do, or at a pace that you think is acceptable? How do you measure these things? And even if you decide someone is too problematic for you to connect with, what is your purpose in cutting them off? Is it to change your mind? (Unlikely.) Should it punish you? (Understandable impulse, but does that actually solve the problem?) Is it supposed to reduce damage? (If the person harms you, delimitation makes sense. If the person harms others, will your delimitation stop that harm? Could you do the world more good by cultivating friendship?)
This is where nuances and complexity come into play. The answers to all of these questions will be different for each individual person and relationship, and that’s fine. Some people don’t even feel the need to ask and answer these questions because they see the nature and purpose of relationships differently, and that’s fine, too.
I’m not saying we should tolerate or befriend Nazis; What I am saying is that there is a gray ocean between making friends with Nazis and piling up or separating from anyone who has not yet reached the perfect stage of social enlightenment. While we can all choose where we want to be on this spectrum, we cannot and shouldn’t choose for others. Everyone is different, every relationship is unique, and I don’t think any of us should care about judging who should be friends with whom.
We need fewer black and white hot takes and more recognition that living with other people in this world is complicated. Oswalt’s post was the response of a complex person with complex relationships trying to navigate a world that doesn’t accept complexity. Maybe it’s imperfect, but really, when did we start demanding perfection from people?
Call harm when it happens, absolutely, but let’s get away from the idea that a person’s problematic words or behavior means that everyone associated with that person must be held accountable for their sins . There’s just no way that ends well for anyone, and it definitely won’t get us where we want to be.
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